Today, I thought I would share a self-help training I went to last month as part of our Families Supporting Adoption regional conference. There was an excellent talk given by one of the caseworkers entitled "That Your Burdens May be Light." Originally she was planning to speak on Coping with Infertility, but her session morphed more into how to recognize patterns that lead to happiness and strategies to become more happy.
Prior to attending the session, I think I've understood fairly well about how to be happy. People have considered me as a smiley type of guy (or do I just have big teeth?) since I was a kid. Don't get me wrong, we all have our ups and downs, but I've learned how to not let things bother me so much. I don't get angry, and I have nearly unfailing optimism. Here's my own strategy, then we'll get into what the social worker trained on.
JOE PERSPECTIVE
A) "Just roll with it" is a phrase that one of my college buddies often used. The principle is that I can't change the past, but I can change how I react to the present. So I take the punches as they come and don't really bemoan them too much.
B) Think big picture. Basically, most bad things are only temporary. Sometimes temporary is a few days/months/years, but it can also be a lifetime. With an eternal perspective, the faith that everything will turn to my good keeps me going. (As much as it hurts to say it, sometimes we have to use the phrase, "It's only money.")
C) Be positive/optimistic. Yes, giving the benefit of the doubt goes along way in not getting down on others, and looking past any weaknesses.
D) Know my pick-me-ups. Fine fruit juices and ice cream make me happy. A nice long walk or hike gives me a chance to pause/think/distract from pains of reality. Reality is still there, but having more energy to tackle it makes a difference.
E) Use my network. Which is mostly Jen-- but having someone offer encouragement and affirmation I also find empowering.
Okay, so the session highlighted a few healthy strategies to making life more amenable to happiness. Here are some of the high points.
SOCIAL WORKER PERSPECTIVE
- Take care of yourself:
- Have good hygiene
- Know when to take a break/rest
- Treat yourself on occasions
- Make good decisions. (Ex. Before making a decision, ask yourself, ‘Will I regret it?’)
- Look from a third-party perspective (if concerning self) -or-
- Look from the other person's perspective (if concerning relationships)
- Practice (break the escape habit)
- Common escapes: TV, sleep, games, books, other
- Create goals- be specific (SMART goals)
- Specific
- Measurable
- Attainable
- Realistic
- Time-frame
- Work- knock stuff off the to-do list
So much of our stress is caused from regret and having to "clean up your own messes." There is a temptation to use escapism to leave and forget about the stresses. In the end, these escapes don't solve the problem or empower you to solve the problem better, but push it back to be dealt with later. Most escapes result in guilt, getting behind on other important things, and longing for REAL connection.
PSYCHOLOGIST PERSPECTIVE
David Burns wrote a book called The Feeling Good Handbook, wherein he described several cognitive distortions that get in the way of us processing negative events. That is to say, if we recognize how we think about problems (or disagreements, if we're talking about inter-personal issues), then we can re-stabilize the system. Here are the bullets, but you should read the above link for more details.
- All or nothing
- Over-generalizations
- Mental Filter
- Discounting the Positives
- Jumping to Conclusions
- Magnification or Minimization
- Emotional Reasoning
- Should statements
- Labeling
- Self-blame and other-blame
So whatever your approach to happiness, just consider that no problem is so big that there isn't a work-around for it. Life is good, and can get even better. One of my favorite escapes? Being a little goofy!
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| At Quoddy Head State Park, Maine |
Joe, that was awesome! And I would really like copies of those pictures..how do I lift them off here? OR do you want to send me the first 3 for my birthday? They make me happy!
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